


Stillness in the autumn

by mistilteinn



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Academic Magnus Bane, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bottom Magnus Bane, Confident Alec Lightwood, Explicit Sexual Content, Insecure Magnus Bane, Jock Alec Lightwood, M/M, Top Alec Lightwood, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-02-29 20:33:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18785683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistilteinn/pseuds/mistilteinn
Summary: Life continues. Senior year begins.(sequel toEach breath tasted sweeter)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> raise your hand if that series finale fucked you UP
> 
> (title from Walt Whitman's "When I Heard at the Close of the Day")

Magnus pulls up the collar of his jacket, shivering in anticipation, and smiles to himself. Truthfully, being at the airport at four-thirty in the morning wouldn’t normally top his list of good times, but there’s nowhere else he’d rather be right now.

He squints and searches through the small crowd of people leaving the gate; his heart jumps in his chest when he finally sees the man he’s been looking for. Alexander.

He’s talking animatedly with Jace, who looks half-conscious at best. They’ve very clearly been backpacking for the last two weeks - Alec is sporting a rather scruffy beard and Jace has his hair pulled back in a blue bandana.

Magnus smiles wider when Alec catches sight of him and trails off in the middle of his sentence, an awed look coming into his eyes as he steps up close, uncaring of the weary travelers around them.

“Look at you,” he starts, holding Magnus by the shoulders as he appreciatively takes in the man before him. “Stunning.”

Magnus fights back a goofy grin, trying to ignore the way Jace smirks at him from behind Alec. “Stop, you goose -” he says, not precisely meaning it. “I’m just in pajamas.”

He can’t hold back the flush that warms his face when Alec responds. “Sweetheart, you could be wearing a burlap sack and still be the most beautiful person in the room.”

“Oh, Alec -”

“Okay,” Jace interrupts, smirk sliding into a grimace when Alec slips his hands down to Magnus’s waist and tugs him in close, resting their foreheads together.

Alec ignores his brother, a warm smile curling his lips as he stares into Magnus’s eyes. Magnus winds his arms around Alec’s neck, settling into the embrace with a happy flutter in his chest.

“I’ve missed you,” Alec whispers, and Magnus’s stomach flips pleasantly.

“I missed you too,” he whispers back, and leans forward the barest amount, pressing their lips together lightly, chastely. Alec’s grip on his waist tightens, and a familiar sort of heat curls under his skin, sends a shiver down his spine.

“That’s enough.” Jace tries again, sounding vaguely nauseated.

Magnus holds back a smile as Alec rolls his eyes and turns, pins Jace with a glare. “You’re just pissed it’s not you. If it was Clary picking us up, you’d already have your tongue down her throat.”

“That’s not true…” Jace shifts uncomfortably and Magnus tries not to be too pleased.

Three months in and he’s really only spent a few hours here and there in Jace’s company - mostly when he had a rare day off from work and Alec drove the couple hours to their university to pick him up and take him to the Lightwood family home for a hot meal and some quality pool time.

For the most part, Jace seems - okay. He’s been kind of weird since he walked in on them making out in Alec’s room at the beginning of June; he’s always trying to distract them from touching or kissing these days. Magnus doesn’t really know what to make of it yet - he can’t tell if Jace is mildly homophobic or if he’s just really insecure in his masculinity (not that the distinction really matters in the end, his mind helpfully provides). Meanwhile, Clary’s never been anything but supportive. Magnus hopes that she eventually rubs off on him.

Plus Jace made Alec get that stupid matching tattoo right before convincing him to spend the last two weeks of summer backpacking along the Appalachian Trail instead of coming to stay with Magnus at his and Cat’s new apartment.

Suffice to say, Magnus isn’t quite ready to forgive and forget just yet.

So he sighs into Alec’s mouth when the other turns back to him and their lips slide together easily, nuzzles in close and whispers into his ear, low and sultry. “Just wait ‘till I get you alone - tongues will certainly be places.”

Alec pulls back and meets Magnus’s gaze, dumbstruck.

Magnus smiles sweetly at his boyfriend, flipping Jace off behind Alec’s back when he exaggeratedly heaves.

\---

When they get back to Magnus’s apartment after dropping Jace at the rugby house, Alec shrugs off his backpack at the front door, dropping it to the ground carelessly. He steps in close, loops an arm around Magnus’s waist, and dips his head down to slot their mouths together right in the front entryway.

Magnus sighs into the kiss, brings his hands up to twist in his hair, and - oh. He pulls back a fraction, a bemused expression on his face. Alec stares at him rather dumbly, eyes wide and mouth soft.

“So,” Magnus starts, a little awkward. “When’s the last time you showered?”

Alec frowns slightly and thinks, eyes focused on some unspecified point over Magnus’s left shoulder. Uh oh. “Um - maybe like a week ago? One of the shelters I was telling you about had an enclosed restroom facility and I wiped down there.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t count.”

“Oh. Well, I guess before we left, then.”

“Right.” Magnus steps back, entirely out of Alec’s hold. Now that the endorphins that came from seeing his boyfriend for the first time in almost a month have faded, Magnus is becoming well aware of Alec’s current state of cleanliness. “I’m gonna need you to bathe before we continue this.”

Alec frowns and his arms slowly drop back to his sides. Magnus continues, an entreating note in his voice. “I’ve got that shampoo you like in the shower.”

“You think I smell bad.” Magnus has to hold back a smile. Alec is pouting - _pouting!_ \- at him through that ridiculous beard. He looks like a giant toddler.

“Pretty ripe,” Magnus agrees easily, fondness warming his veins. He pushes Alec lightly towards the bathroom. “Go, now. I’ll be waiting.”

“In bed?” Alec asks hopefully as he steps backward, eyes traveling down Magnus’s body interestedly.

“In bed,” Magnus promises, biting his lip and finally letting the smile curl across his mouth when he closes the bathroom door between them.

When he gets back to his room, Magnus strips and tosses his pajamas in the hamper, excitement running like a livewire through his body. Alec is here - Alec is finally home. He can’t wait to have Alec back in his arms (once he’s showered). He’s so excited, he’s not even tired anymore! Who needs sleep, anyway?

He climbs up onto the bed and digs through his bedside table for a bottle of lube, fully intending on prepping himself while Alec is in the bathroom. Instead, he’s out like a light as soon as he lays back and his head touches the pillow.

\---

On the second day of classes, Magnus finds himself following Meliorn through the library, clutching a clipboard and pen in either hand, furiously taking notes as Mel breezes through his training. His former roommate is taking a rather lackadaisical approach to teaching Magnus about the many duties of being a library aide.

Magnus is determined to pick up his responsibilities quickly - he’s still a little embarrassed over his performance at Rise ‘n Grind last year.

Mel pulls him from his reverie by pointing out a cosy corner in the poetry section on the third floor - it’s closed off by a wall and bookshelves on three sides. “This is a great place to sneak a little love in.”

Before Magnus can fully comprehend what Meliorn is implying, he continues on, turning around another shelf, and showing an equally isolated spot. “This, on the other hand, is a place where you will most certainly be caught.” He pauses for a second, considering Magnus’s flush. “Also great, depending on what you are into.”

Magnus holds the clipboard tighter to himself and tries not to think about kissing Alec amongst the shelves, surrounded by words of love and life. His heart flutters and he swallows and responds. “Um. Definitely not public sex, thank you very much.”

Mel raises a brow and looks him up and down, then chuckles as if he knows something Magnus doesn’t. “Sure thing, Bane.”

Magnus glares and Meliorn smiles, sweet but perhaps a little condescending.

“Let’s go back to the front desk. I’ll show you how to use the search system.” Meliorn suggests, and Magnus nods, relieved over the change of subject.

As they’re walking down the stairs, the light catches Meliorn’s pale green eyeshadow in a way that has Magnus thinking about that night that Mel put makeup on him last year - the night of his first date with Alec.

He remembers the confidence he’d felt when he saw his reflection, how strong and beautiful he’d looked. “Could you,” he starts, a little bashful. Meliorn eyes him curiously, moves a fraction slower. “Could you teach me how to do that?” He asks, gesturing vaguely towards his face.

“I would love to!” Mel immediately answers and breaks into an uncharacteristically big smile, leading him to the front desk. Magnus cautiously smiles back as they round the side of it, sitting in the empty chairs.

Meliorn continues chattering while he logs in to the staff computer in front of him. “First we need to find your colors - we already know that gold looks lovely on you, but I have a feeling purple and blue would also make you glow. Perhaps burgundy? Oh, I have been hoping you would ask for this for so long. Would you come over after work and we can start?”

Magnus is a little stunned - he doesn’t think he heard Meliorn speak this much the entire year that they lived together. This side of Meliorn is bubbly, sweet - he’s not intimidating at all.

He furrows his brow at Magnus, looking a little worried. Magnus startles, realizing that he’s just been staring at his friend. “Uh, yeah, definitely!”

Meliorn smiles again, relieved, and tugs his hair free from its ponytail, turning to face the computer monitor. He slides the keyboard over to Magnus, indicating towards it, and starts french braiding his hair as he speaks. “So first you’ll need to know either the author or part of the title. Here, type something in.”

Magnus complies, searching for _The Waves._ Virginia Woolf pops right up, and he turns to Meliorn, a triumphant smile on his face. His friend grins at him and continues.

“Okay, select that first option. Good! Now you see all of these codes. This one tells us whether or not the book is available in our library. If it is not, you’ll want to check _here_ \- this means that there are three copies in the inter-library loan system. You can call any of these schools to have any of them send it over, and our students can check it out that way. Very helpful when midterms come around and everyone who didn’t bother to buy the textbook is now panicking.”

Magnus nods slowly, examining the information on the screen. He jots down which links Meliorn is pointing out and what each of them means, using shorthand when he can.

Mel finishes his braid and pulls it over his shoulder, inspecting the ends as he winds an elastic around it. “I need to touch up,” he says absently, stroking the faded blue dye.

They both jump when someone clears their throat from the other side of the desk. Jace stands in front of them, brows furrowed, looking between the two of them.

“How can I help you, sir?” Meliorn asks smoothly, flicking his braid back and tilting his head at their guest. Magnus is sure Meliorn doesn’t know Jace - the only sport he gives a care about is baseball, and Jace doesn’t seem like the type to have an interest in anything other than rugby (and occasionally Clary, Magnus amends).

“I need to rent some headphones. Mine, uh, they got wet.” Jace frowns, unnecessarily bringing his hand up to show his earbuds. They’re still dripping.

“Clearly.” Meliorn laughs lightly, tone almost playful. Magnus scrunches his nose at Jace as Mel stands from his chair to pull a set of headphones from the cabinet behind them.

Jace’s eyes dart away from where they’ve been following Meliorn’s movements and he looks back at Magnus, an all too familiar frown pulling at his lips. “The first rugby scrimmage is this Saturday. Are you going?”

Magnus answers shortly, a slight edge to his voice. “Yes.”

He almost expects Jace to argue with him, to tell him that scrimmages don't require an audience.

Instead, Jace nods, looking almost relieved. “That’s good. I’ll - I’ll see you then, I guess.”

He tenses again when Meliorn returns with an ancient set of headphones - vaguely reminiscent of the style that rich kids wear nowadays, those ones that cover the ears completely. Though, Magnus thinks to himself as he eyes them, these ones wouldn’t be mistaken for Beats under any circumstances.

Mel told him once that the school could afford to upgrade their headphone collection at any time; that they just keep these old ones so nobody is tempted to steal them. Magnus isn't strictly sure that rumor is true - but he _also_ doesn't think he's ever heard Meliorn lie before, so it could probably go either way.

Jace accepts the headphones gratefully, obviously trying not to curl his lip in distaste at the discolored plastic. “How much to rent for the week?” He asks, eyes darting to Meliorn’s face for just a moment before sliding away, down to the desk between them.

“For a friend of Magnus Bane? Nothing at all.” Mel smirks at him and leans on the desk, resting a hand on Magnus’s shoulder. Magnus rolls his eyes and turns back to the computer, whose screen has gone dark from lack of use. He resists the urge to tell Meliorn that he and Jace aren’t friends, and taps the space bar lightly, bringing the computer back from sleep mode.

“Oh!” Jace sounds slightly choked. Magnus blows an irritated breath out, stares unseeingly at the screen. Jace speaks again.

“Thanks.”

Pause.

“Your hair. It looks good.”

Magnus looks up at that, bewildered. Meliorn is frozen as well, has his head tilted minutely.

Jace’s eyes grow wide and he must realize what he’s said, because he immediately starts backtracking. “I mean - not like - before - you said, I heard you say - you needed to do it again? You can if you want to, obviously, but it’s like. Very blue. Good. And blue.”

Meliorn nods slowly, brow crinkled. “Yes. It _is_ blue.”

Jace clears his throat, looking quite horrified. “Right, um, anyway. Thanks for these.”

Before Magnus can ask what the hell he’s trying to say to Meliorn, Jace spins on his heel and storms away from the front desk, narrowly avoiding crashing into two unfortunate freshmen.

Meliorn slides back into his seat, eyes lowered and a smug smirk gracing his lips, and Magnus turns to him after a long moment, pokes his arm.

“What was that?” He asks in a low voice, still thrown completely.

Meliorn shrugs one shoulder nonchalantly. “He wants me.”

“He’s dating Clary Fairchild?” At Meliorn’s unimpressed brow arch, Magnus continues, not quite sure what he’s arguing. “They’re not breaking up any time soon. They’re, like, endgame.”

“And?” Meliorn asks indifferently.

“And Jace would never cheat on her!”

Meliorn scoffs, leaning comfortably back in his chair. “If she wants me half as much as he does, we can all have a great time.”

“Oh my god.”

\---

“Do you wanna go out on Friday night?”

Magnus startles from his spot on the couch, tries to cover it with a cough. Alec’s smirk tells him that he hasn’t succeeded. He sighs and closes his textbook, shifting his feet where they rest in Alec’s lap. “Um, I’m sorry, what?”

Alec taps his ankle absently with a long finger, runs his other hand over the delicate arch of his foot. Magnus shivers, tries not to pull away, as Alec repeats himself, elaborating. “Do you wanna go out on Friday night? Aline invited us to Swingin’ Richard’s - I think she’s dating that new girl.”

“Oh,” Magnus says, more in response to the fact that Alec has begun to massage his foot in earnest now than to anything he actually said. He vaguely remembers meeting Aline last year, though it’s definitely blurry. Alec has introduced him to so many people, sometimes it’s hard to keep track.

He’s pulled from his haze when Alec’s hand on his foot stills, and he opens his eyes to see Alec looking expectantly at him.

“I mean - you have a scrimmage on Saturday morning. Do you really want to go out the night before?”

Alec looks bemused, starts rubbing Magnus’s other foot. Heat curls low in his belly at the gentle massage, and Alec is quiet for a deceptively long time. Magnus is just starting to feel the warmth creep through his limbs, making him loose and pliable, when Alec finally answers.

“We won’t be out that late. We’ll just get a drink and leave.”

Magnus makes a face at that, fully aware once again. He regretfully pulls his feet away from Alec’s talented hands and tucks them under himself, sitting up on the couch. He raises a brow at Alec, who’s now frowning down at his empty lap, and decides to tease. “Don’t bullshit me, Alexander - you _love_ dancing.”

Alec sputters at that, cheeks turning pink, no doubt remembering the last time they danced together. Magnus smirks and allows himself to remember as well.

It was the Fourth of July, and Izzy had planned a little party for the extended Lightwood family members and neighbors. Alec had convinced Magnus to take two days off in a row, had driven the couple of hours down to the university to pick him up that morning, and they’d spent the majority of the day in the town where Alec had grown up.

The evening had started off relatively mellow, with many of the younger guests sitting out by the pool, drinking and chatting. Magnus recalled the cool of the water on his feet, the low light of the sun setting, and the heat of Alec’s hand on the small of his back moreso than any of the actual conversation shared. The contentment had settled deep in his body, had quieted something that he hadn’t even realized was amiss.

After dinner, Maryse had started playing Latin music from the speakers on the patio, and some of the adults went out onto the makeshift dancefloor. When Magnus had grabbed Alec’s hand and pulled him into the middle of the small crowd, something had happened that Magnus never could have predicted - Alec had frozen.

Eyes wide, cheeks blazing red, breath catching, Alec just watched Magnus move for a long few seconds.

He remembered letting the music seep down to his bones, echo the beat of his heart, flow through his veins. Alec was still staring when he opened his eyes, was tracking the way Magnus’s hips moved in time to the beat, the way his spine curved sinuously and the sweat dripped down his neck to pool in his collarbone.

The heat of Alec’s gaze had been enough to erase the last of Magnus’s inhibitions, and Magnus had wound his arms around Alec’s waist to guide his movements, had lifted his face for a kiss. Alec had apparently had the same urge - he’d dipped down at the same time and their lips slid together just as the fireworks started.

For a moment, it was gloriously perfect.

Magnus had never been happier, holding and in turn being held by the man he lo- liked. _Really, really_ liked.

Then Alec had stepped on his bare foot and the spell had been broken.

After three more songs spent dancing - all punctuated with occasional agony - Magnus couldn’t take any more and they’d left the dance floor arm in arm. The rest of the party had passed by in a blur, with an ice pack on his bruised skin and Alec’s concerned gaze never straying too far. And while it wasn’t perfect anymore, it was even better. It was them.

Magnus tries to hold back his grin at the memory, fails spectacularly, and slides his feet back into Alec’s grasp. He sighs happily when Alec slips his hand farther up, cups the curve of Magnus’s calf in his palm.

“I think,” he says, lightly running a finger along the muscle in his hand, smiling lightly when Magnus tries to twitch away, “since _you’re_ so light on your feet, you should come out and play one-on-one with me. Tonight. Winner decides if we go out with Aline and her new friend.”

Magnus raises his chin, feeling a little haughty, and tilts his head at his still blushing boyfriend. “Okay. Tonight.”

—-

The thing about Alec is that he’s always in control. He’s used to giving orders and people immediately falling into place, clambering over each other to do what he says.

It’s an experience that could easily have made him full of himself. Instead, he’s the most humble person Magnus has ever met - it’s nothing short of miraculous, considering both his natural talent for leadership and how he was raised. It makes Magnus lo- _like_ him all the more.

Even so, Magnus decides to test his limits when they go out that night.

Alec starts off by explaining the game - the different positions, the scoring system, and the rules.

Magnus doesn’t listen at all. He just watches the way Alec’s eyes sparkle as he talks about his favorite sport, the way he seems to glow in the artificial light surrounding the empty soccer field they’ve commandeered.

Alec tosses the ball to him, mouth curled in a smile, and Magnus catches it easily. He looks at it for a moment, then fakes going left and tries to run past Alec on the other side.

And his heart is already pounding, adrenaline rushing through his veins. He’s never been particularly sporty, but he’s competitive to a fault and he’s just as physically strong as Alec - they both know that.

So when Alec catches him around the waist, Magnus twists like an animal escaping from a predator, slips easily from his grasp. He stumbles for a few steps, even goes down hard on one hand, but pulls himself up and catches his balance quickly enough to cross the goal line just as Alec curls a hand around his ankle.

He falls to his hands and knees and lets out a surprised _oh!_ before he realizes that he’s scored and yanks himself free from Alec’s grasp once more. Magnus pushes off the ground, standing again, and grabs the ball from where it has stopped rolling a few feet away. 

Breathing heavily, elation bubbles in his chest and he spins around, tosses the ball in the air and catches it. He ignores the twinge in his wrist and smiles brilliantly over his shoulder at Alec, who’s watching him with wonderment in his eyes.

Alec’s got his hands on his thighs, is bent at the waist to catch his breath. He straightens when Magnus steps closer and pushes the ball at him. “Okay, I know I said no celebrating when I was going over the rules. Anything else you didn’t catch?”

Magnus resists the impulse to ask Alec how exactly he’s supposed to know which rules he missed, and instead lets a smaller smile curve his lips, satisfaction warming his fingers and toes.

“I don’t know, baby,” he admits, eyes dropping to admire how Alec’s rugby kit lays against the curves and hard lines of his body. “I guess I was too distracted by all that thigh you’ve got going on.”

Alec rolls his eyes, but Magnus can see the flush crawl up his neck, and he shifts his weight, feeling superior. It’s not often he flusters his boyfriend.

“Don’t flirt with me,” Alec shoots back, an authoritative note underscoring the words. It sends a shiver skittering down Magnus’s spine, a wisp of heat curling low in his tummy.

Magnus smiles unsteadily at Alec and wordlessly tosses the ball to him, feeling a little off-kilter. He doesn’t trust his voice quite yet - anything he says right now might come out breathy, might give away the slight advantage he's got at the moment.

“Come on - back to the starting positions,” Alec spins on his heel and trots to the center of the field without checking to see if Magnus is following.

Magnus blows out a breath, tells himself to calm down. They’re just playing around - there’s no need to get worked up. Even if Alec insists on wearing that ridiculous uniform. He starts trotting after his boyfriend and looks him up and down, eyes lingering on Alec’s long legs.

It’s Alec’s possession now, and Magnus’s hands are shaking in anticipation, eyes are following all of his minute movements, looking for a hint as to where he’s going.

He doesn’t expect Alec to come straight at him, ball in hand. Magnus falters for a crucial moment, takes a step back, and Alec tackles him to the ground, knocking the air from his lungs.

Magnus opens his eyes to the stars above, wondering for a second how he got there. Then Alec appears above him, smiling and sweaty, and Magnus takes the hand offered, is pulled roughly up.

“Pretty sure you’re only supposed to tackle the person _with_ the ball,” he chides, rubbing his elbow where it hit the ground funny. Alec smirks at him and tosses it from one hand to the other.

“How would you know? You didn’t listen to any of the rules.” He pauses, teasing smile growing. “But if you insist, we can run the play again.”

Against his better judgment, Magnus raises his chin, puffs out his chest a little bit. “I _do_ insist,” he snarks back and bends his knees, lowering his center of gravity.

This time, Magnus is ready. When Alec tries to breeze past him, Magnus spins on his heel, sprints to keep up. He manages to catch Alec before he crosses the goal line, blood rushing in his ears, and grabs hold of his hip, dropping immediately. He drags Alec down with him, and they land heavily on the ground, each struggling to gain control of the ball. Magnus finally locks his ankles behind Alec’s legs and wrenches it from his hands, flinging it away from them both.

Alec, for his part, stops wrestling almost immediately. He watches the ball roll away, a hand heavy on Magnus’s waist.

“God damn it,” he says softly, and Magnus laughs, completely charmed. He unwinds himself from around Alec and hauls himself up, this time offering a hand to his boyfriend, who still lays splayed out on the field.

Alec takes it and stands close, looking down at Magnus with something unreadable in his eyes.

Magnus pushes away the treacherous voice in his head that whispers _you’re being too much for him. He’s getting annoyed with you._

“What?” He asks a little hesitantly.

“You did great,” Alec answers after a moment, a small smile curving his lips.

Magnus is thrown, can’t help but needle him a little to cover his shock at the compliment. “What, are you surprised?”

“Of course not - I just. You ever think about joining the team?” Alec asks, open and guileless, and Magnus’s heart thumps at the sight. He feels silly for allowing Camille’s poisonous words purchase in his mind. Of course Alec doesn’t think Magnus is too much. Magnus knows that.

“Oh,” he starts, feeling a little coy. He steps around Alec, scoops the ball off of the ground again. He straightens and turns, turning it in his hands.  “Well, I’m bound to do great with a teacher like you. When I’m not being distracted by those legs, of course.”

Alec shakes his head at Magnus’s lascivious gaze, an exasperated smile curving his lips. “I told you not to flirt with me.”

He steps up close to Magnus then, quick enough that Magnus steps backward out of habit. His back hits one of the poles of the soccer goal, and he’s trapped.

Alec comes even closer, and Magnus raises his face, anticipation already thrumming in his veins. The moment that Alec catches his lips, he’s got his hands wound through Alec’s hair, is tilting his head, opening the kiss.

Electricity crackles through his body and he’s got his leg hitched up and around Alec’s, is pressing their bodies together from clavicle to hip. Magnus is already hard in his shorts, has been pushing away the low current of arousal since they’ve been out here. Alec slides a hand around his side, splays it large over his lower back, and presses forward, pinning Magnus against his own erection.

Magnus groans into Alec’s mouth, goes to yank his shirt over his head and get that stunning pale skin on display, and Alec is suddenly gone.

Magnus is leaning forward into nothing, eyes open wide, and he finds Alec a few steps back, cheeks flushed and mouth open.

“Hold that thought,” Alec starts, and Magnus looks around them, realizes they’re in plain view of anyone who might happen to be wandering around the fields. Oh. Oops. “Locker room,” he orders quietly, and turns, walking quicker than Magnus can comfortably keep up with.

Magnus shakes his head to clear it, wondering wildly for a moment when he became the kind of person willing to fuck in a public place, and stumbles inelegantly after his boyfriend.

\---

For all of the time Magnus spent in locker rooms as a child and teenager, he never imagined that one day he’d be riding his boyfriend in one.

But now - the way that Alec’s lashes fan out over his cheekbones in the bright flourescent lighting, the weight of his hand splayed low over the curve of Magnus’s back, the press of his thick cock inside Magnus's body - Magnus can’t imagine _not_ experiencing this.

Alec is straddling one of the benches, his back against the wall. Magnus sits astride his lap, legs spread wide to accomodate the extra space needed. He’s hot, feels like he’s burning wherever they touch. Alec’s splitting him open, hard cock stretching him just this side of too much.

“Alec -” Magnus gasps out, shuddering when Alec leans forward, licks against one of his already pebbled nipples. He's straining, is trying to find the right angle as he rocks back and forth. 

“Hm?” Alec asks, already dipping his head back down to suck the pink flesh, hips rocking minutely, fucking into him just enough so Magnus knows he’s there.

A sharp heat throbs in his veins when Alec sucks harder, uses his free hand to pinch and tug at Magnus’s other nipple. Magnus twists his fingers into Alec’s hair, scratches at his scalp, and grinds down against his cock, hungry for more.

Alec slides his hand around to curl over Magnus’s hip, pulling him up and almost all the way off of his cock. Magnus lets out a panicked sound, scrabbles at Alec’s shoulder to try to yank him closer.

Alec’s head knocks back against the wall, makes a loud thud in the silence of the room. His eyes are screwed shut, his mouth is wet and slack. Magnus tries to impale himself on Alec’s erection again, groans in frustration when Alec won’t let him move.

“This is gonna be over real soon if you don’t chill out -” Alec grinds out, voice raspy, and clenches harder against Magnus's hip, tight enough to bruise.

Annoyance flares behind Magnus’s eyes and he snorts, thighs shaking from the effort of keeping himself suspended in such an awkward position. “What - getting beaten by your boyfriend turns you on?”

Alec’s eyes crack open at that, and Magnus knows he’s caught him, has finally cracked Alec’s world-famous control. He can’t hold back the shiver that arcs down his spine when Alec answers, low and dangerous. “You didn’t beat me. You scored once and then distracted me until I couldn’t play anymore.”

Magnus curls a mocking smile at him, moaning loud when Alec finally tugs him down, seats him fully on his cock.

He forces out a breathy laugh, pushes farther as the pleasure pulses through his body, arching his back. “Sure darling, whatever lets you sleep at night.”

Alec thrusts up at that, hard enough that Magnus would have lost his balance if not for the large hands pinning him in place. The pleasure coils in his stomach and he cries out when Alec thrusts again, hits his prostate dead-on.

“Absolutely insufferable - you know that?” Alec continues, fucking into him with abandon now, punching little _ah ah ahs_ from his chest every time he bottoms out. “Do you ever stop teasing?”

Magnus is still holding onto Alec’s arm and shoulder, just trying to keep his balance now, isn’t even trying to hold back the sounds he’s making. The arousal spikes in his chest when Alec curls a hand around the back of his neck, tugs him down into a kiss that’s more teeth and tongues than lips, and he squints his eyes shut, lets his mouth fall fully open.

Alec claims him - body, mind, and heart, and Magnus can't find a single fiber of his being that wants to resist. So he holds on tighter, lets the pleasure barrel through him when Alec rolls his hips again, startling him with another head-on thrust against his prostate. And, oh, he knows he's gonna feel Alec inside of him for days after this. That knowledge alone is enough to send a pleasurable throb through his entire body.

Alec licks the moan straight from his mouth, and he keens, shuddering as Alec thrusts brutally hard, almost unseats him even through their grip on each other. His arousal is cresting, he can feel the wave curling his toes, and he lets out a harsh sob on the next thrust, wraps a shaking hand around his own erection. Alec’s eyes flit down to watch, hunger present in his heavy gaze.

Magnus can’t resist needling his boyfriend one more time even through the impending orgasm: “Why don’t - why don’t you make me shut up, then?”

And so Alec does, wringing the pleasure from Magnus mercilessly, until words fail him and the only sounds he can make are sharp gasps and raw sobs. Magnus wouldn't have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (hahaha i know absolutely nothing about rugby)
> 
> Part 2 is not complete yet, but hopefully it will be up within the next week or so. More poetry bits and some actual plot are coming.
> 
> please drop a comment below - i have been struggling with this a lot! ha ha! i hardcore need the encouragement.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter are in the end notes - please check them out if you're at all sensitive to the themes of abuse that have been present throughout this story.
> 
> (unbeta'd as per usual - i'll look it over at some point and change anything i deem too awkwardly worded or misspelled. let me know if you see anything particularly egregious)

Friday night, Alec stays at the rugby house, goes to bed early with the rest of his team. Magnus insists that he can’t sleep over, citing something stupid about the bad luck that affects a couple the evening before their wedding night if they spend it together.

It’s a testament to how nervous Alec actually is when he doesn’t immediately call Magnus on it. Instead, he suggests that Magnus have a movie night with his friends.

Magnus pauses at that, snarky remark caught in his throat. It’s actually a pretty good idea.

So Friday evening, Magnus picks up Maia from work on campus. Excitement fills his veins when he sees her for the first time since spring semester, squinting on the steps as she looks for Magnus and his unfamiliar car in the crowded parking lot. He opens the door and stands, waving and calling her name.

The car behind him honks and he throws a dirty look over his shoulder, laughing when Maia flips them off. She comes around to his side to give him a hug before getting in, dancing her way back around to the passenger side while holding eye contact with the driver of the car behind.

She punches his arm lightly when they’ve both clicked their seatbelts on and he yelps, more in surprise than pain. He rubs his bicep absently and starts moving, not wanting the driver of the car behind them to get any angrier.

Magnus glances at her reproachfully when they’re both settled and are pulling out of the lot.

He isn’t sure he wants to know, but he asks anyway. “What was that for?”

Maia levels him with an unimpressed glare. “You didn’t come visit me once this summer.”

Magnus sputters, indignant. “I had to work -”

“On your _tan,_ yeah, I know.” She continues when Magnus shoots her a confused glance at a red light. “I follow you on Instagram, moron.”

“Oh. I only saw Alec a couple of times,” Magnus answers as he rolls his eyes. He knows Maia’s probably messing with him, but then the thought occurs to him that she might actually be hurt, and he’s got to explain. “Seriously. I had to make enough to buy this sweet whip.”

She snorts when he lovingly pats the dashboard and responds, turning her head to grin at him. “I still don’t know why you wouldn’t just let Alec buy you a car.”

It’s Magnus’s turn to snort. “That’s - we’ve only been dating for three months. That’s ridiculous.”

Maia turns fully in her seat, staring him down. He can’t return her intense look, can only side eye her. They’re almost to his and Cat’s apartment. He can’t get lost in front of Maia - this is the first time he’s ever driven in front of her. One mistake and she’ll make fun of him for months.

Despite his concentration on the route, he almost misses a turn when she speaks again. “Alec would do anything you asked him to. He’s whipped, Mags.”

Magnus shakes his head, laughing, and pulls into the parking lot. “I _wouldn’t_ ask him to buy me a car, Maia. That would totally be taking advantage of him.”

“Hm,” she says thoughtfully, as if she hadn’t yet considered that idea. “That’s probably why he loves you.”

Magnus’s heart thumps. “He doesn’t -” he pauses, considers how he wants this evening to go. “Hey, can we put a pin in the Alec talk? I just want to hang out with you guys tonight.”

Maia inclines her head at him, a smile slowly spreading over her features. “Oh - yeah, of course.”

Catarina and Meliorn are already set up on the couch when Magnus and Maia make it inside, several great bowls of snacks laid out across the coffee table in front of them.

Maia walks in first, waving hello to their friends, and snatches the entire bowl of sour cream and onion chips. Munching on a chip, she announces that no one’s allowed to talk about their significant other(s) until the morning. She then drapes herself elegantly over the love seat, effectively taking over the whole piece of furniture, and sends Magnus a proud smile.

Magnus eyes her for a moment, wondering just where he’s supposed to sit, and Meliorn shifts on the couch, pats the space between himself and Catarina. Cat smiles up at him, opening her arms, and warmth curls high in Magnus’s chest as he settles in for an evening among his three best friends.

Meliorn shuffles next to him and Magnus remembers that he runs cold, always had the heat up in their dorm last year, so he pulls a blanket down from the back of the couch to share. Cat wraps an arm around his shoulders, tugging him over so that he’s comfortably tucked under her arm. Mel’s got his legs curled under himself and pulls Magnus’s legs up onto his lap, sitting a pillow on top of them and holding him in place.

He’s immediately so content that he’s struggling to keep his eyes open while his friends argue about which movie to watch. Magnus just snuggles farther under the blankets and lets Maia and Cat have it out.

They end up staying up far too late, after Catarina insists on each of them picking a movie.

Maia goes first, calling it a compromise, and puts on some French-language film. The title sequence says _Grave_.

 _Raw_ is the American title, she supplies.

It’s definitely interesting, Magnus has to admit, but is far too gory for him to enjoy. He ends up spending most of the film alternately curled against either Cat or Mel, both of whom are _way_ too interested, in his opinion.

Magnus gets to choose next, and plays his current favorite. By the end of _God’s Own Country,_ both Maia and Magnus are crying openly, and even Meliorn is quietly sniffling into his corner of the blanket.

Cat is the only one unmoved, having been forced to sit through it at least half a dozen times over the summer. She sighs at the rest of them, acting put-upon, but Magnus knows she’s not actually exasperated when she intentionally chooses something light and fun to bring the mood back up.

Magnus falls asleep on Cat’s shoulder in the middle of Princess Bride, full of snacks and surrounded by (most of) his favorite people.

Saturday morning finds him bundled in a blanket with Catarina, sitting on the cold bleachers as they wait for the rugby scrimmage to start. Maia and Mel are off buying coffee and snacks for everyone - a recompense for depleting Cat and Magnus’s junk food stash last night.

And Magnus can tell that she wants to say something to him, can feel it in the way that she pulls the blanket tight around his shoulders. Catarina has a nurturing soul - any time she’s uncomfortable or unsure, she expresses those feelings by mothering her friends and family members. Magnus has been a loved one for so long now that he’s already got his mouth open, is about to ask what’s wrong when Cat starts.

“Ragnor proposed.”

A beat.

Magnus swings his head around to look at her - to really look. Her dark eyes are glimmering in the early morning light, her smile is small, tentative. Her hands shake, and - there. Magnus spies a simple band around her left ring finger.

Magnus lets his smile overtake his face, joy rising in his chest. He opens his mouth to congratulate her and she continues.

“And I applied for the DNP program at Northwestern.”

“You’re getting your doctorate?!” Magnus squeals, throwing his arms around Cat’s back and tugging her in for a hug. He can feel her wind her arms around his waist under the blanket, and he leans into the embrace, in awe of his best friend.

She pulls back after a moment, dropping her gaze. “Well, if I get in, I will be,” she hedges, readjusting the blanket so that they’re both covered.

“Cat,” Magnus says, stopping her movements with a light hand on her wrist. “You’re getting in.”

She just smiles at him, a happy flush coloring her cheeks.

\---

Monday morning, Alec and Magnus ride to campus together so that they can have breakfast before either of their classes. Magnus is still half asleep, lets Alec lead him along by the hand into the cafe on campus. He blinks sleepily at the announcement board when Alec leaves him at the corner booth to go order, promising to bring back tea and bagels.

He rests his face on his hand and lets his eyes wander slowly over the advertisements, smiling softly when he sees a poster for the Queer Student Union’s first annual mixer, happening in the middle of October. Alec has already asked him to attend as his date - the dork.

Magnus looks at the paper posted right next to the QSU advert and goes rigid. His blood is frozen, is making it hard to comprehend the message on the page. Right now, he’s catching about every third word. _Artist...visionary...seminar._

October first. Seven pm.

And below, a picture.

Camille, smiling. Radiant. Beautiful.

Magnus vaguely recognizes the photograph as being from her senior portrait shoot. It was taken shortly after they had first...become involved.

She had been the one to pursue him. He was just a sophomore then, had never been in a real relationship before. Camille was so magnetic when they met - introduced by some mutual classmate at the beginning of the fall semester.

That entire year would revolve around her. Trying to please her, anticipating her needs, giving up his own interests in favor of supporting hers. His only respite had been his classes - the time he spent studying in the library while she was at her sorority meetings.

\--

_“Just let me try this,” she says, twirling a long lock of hair around her index finger and smiling at him sweetly._

_Magnus’s heart pounds in his chest as a heavy weight settles in his stomach. He thinks of her laughing last week when he admitted to only ever having been with one person. He’s scared. Nervous. He’s never done this before, isn’t really sure he wants to._

_“Magnus.” The authoritative note in her voice makes him bring his gaze back up to meet hers. She’s no longer smiling - now she just looks stern. “Do you want to be with me or not?”_

_“Of course I do.” Magnus says, feeling a little sick at the thought of being alone again. “Yes, okay.”_

\--

Camille would carry that yes over the course of their entire relationship. Any time Magnus tried to say no, he didn’t want to try that, or no, he was too tired, or _please stop, that hurts,_ Camille would just look at him with those intelligent, cruel eyes and answer _but you said yes before._

Here’s the thing - she was right. He _did_ say yes before. And he always ended up saying yes again, once she’d explained why she wanted what she wanted, and how good it would make her feel, and didn’t Magnus want her to feel good? And of course Magnus wanted her to feel good, of course he loved her, so he’d say yes eventually, and that meant that everything she did to him was okay, because he gave her permission.

Magnus snaps out of his memories when Alec sits a steaming cup of tea down in front of him, physically jumping.

“Woah, somebody’s woken up,” his boyfriend smiles and sits on the bench across him. “What’s got you so tense, sweetheart?”

Magnus blinks at Alec and swallows, the pain moving down slowly, like broken glass lodged in his throat. He smiles and hopes that his teeth aren’t bloody with it, that Alec can’t see just how fractured he is right now.

“Nothing, darling. Just thinking about how much is happening this semester.” Not a lie, not exactly.

Alec reaches across the table, palm upturned. Magnus lets his smile settle, become something closer to real, and places his hand in Alec’s gentle grip.

“Anything I can do to ease the pain?”

Magnus flinches at Alec’s wording, sitting back in his seat and pulling away from where their hands have just barely connected. Alec lets him go, eyes wide, but keeps his own hand on the table, open and inviting.

“Sorry -” Magnus starts, heart pounding a staccato rhythm in his ears. “Sorry, I don’t know what happened, I just.” Before he can stop himself, his eyes dart over to the offending poster.

Alec follows his gaze and Magnus can see the moment that his brilliant boyfriend connects the dots. His expression falls slightly, eyes shuttering, and the pain that Magnus had mostly managed to swallow back rears up again, almost crushes his lungs with its force.

And because Magnus is a coward, he just stares at the tea in front of him, avoiding Alec’s sweet, concerned face.

“That’s her, isn’t it?”

Magnus nods and hears the student worker calling out their order. He jerkily stands and shakes his head at Alec, motioning for him to stay seated while Magnus picks up their food from the counter.

When he’s back, Alec has the piece of paper in his hands. Magnus swallows at the sight of it and sets Alec’s plate in front of him, settling in his seat with his own breakfast.

Alec sets down the paper and sighs thoughtfully, drawing Magnus’s gaze. “You know, she’s not even scheduled to be here for almost a month. I could make the school cancel her seminar if you want.”

Magnus furrows his brow at that. Alec inclines his head, continuing. “I can schedule a meeting with the president of the university for sometime next week. I’ve thrown bigger fits for much less, you can ask her. The single-stream recycling initiative? That was me.”

Magnus shakes his head slowly, wondering at Alec’s influence. “You got them to commit to single stream? Dr. Herondale dragged her feet on that for like two years - how long did it take you to change her mind?”

“About a week and a half.” Alec slowly, carefully takes Magnus’s hand in his, holding it like he’s afraid Magnus will pull back. _Like you’ll pull back again,_ his mind helpfully adds.

“I’m just saying, I can make this go away pretty quickly.”

Magnus frowns down at the paper between them. He can’t ask Alec for this. He’s got much more important things to spend his time and energy on. “You don’t have to,” he answers after a lengthy pause.

He looks up when Alec squeezes his hand. “I know I don’t have to, baby,” Alec starts, looking so gentle that it makes Magnus’s heart physically ache. “And I won’t do anything you don’t want me to - I promise. I’m just asking if you’d like for me to get involved.”

Magnus sighs, shakes his head. “There’s nothing I like about any of this. But. There are people looking forward to listening to her speak. I can’t ruin this for them.”

Alec nods at him, expression equal parts sad and understanding. He pauses, hesitating, and Magnus tilts his head, patiently waiting.

“Magnus -” Alec starts, and he looks nervous now. Magnus squeezes his hand encouragingly, listening closely as Alec speaks.

“You've come so far over the last few months, and you're doing so well. And - every day I am just... _astonished_ by you. But maybe - maybe it’s time to get a little bit of extra support?”

Magnus furrows his brow and Alec continues hurriedly, holding Magnus’s hand like a lifeline. “I know that you can heal on your own - I just don’t think that you should have to. The counseling center is free for students, and they've always been hugely helpful when I've needed it.”

Magnus opens his mouth and realizes that he doesn’t know how to respond. He shuts it with a click and looks into Alec’s eyes. He’s searching for something, anything that’ll tell him this is a trap - that as soon as he accepts the prospect of help, Alec is going to toss him aside, disgusted with his weakness.

He blinks and is shocked to feel a tear tumble down his cheek. Alec slowly, so slowly, reaches up, brushes it away with the pad of his thumb.

Magnus takes a chance, nods the slightest bit as Alec cups his face with his free hand. He pushes away the icy fear that grips his heart when Alec opens his mouth.

“You are,” Alec pauses, and Magnus intakes a sharp breath, “the strongest man that I’ve ever met.”

\---

“I could set her car on fire for you,” Maia says from her place on Meliorn’s bed. She’s ostensibly studying, is supposed to be doing her advanced zoology reading while Mel teaches Magnus how to create a halo eye.

“Do not be ridiculous,” Meliorn snorts, carefully applying a pale gold glitter to the center of Magnus’s left eyelid. He sits back so that Magnus can inspect it in the mirror, can try to imitate the placement on his right eye. “You do not have nearly the stealth skill required to perform such an action.”

Magnus rolls his eyes and ignores both of his friends, idly wondering when Cat is going to be done with her advisor. She promised to come over after and hang out for a bit, then she and Magnus are going to carpool home together, since Alec drove Magnus to campus this morning.

Mel and Maia are arguing over the logistics of one of them being able to sneak backstage the night of the lecture to punch Camille right in the nose when Magnus clears his throat, interrupting both of them.

“How’s this?” He slowly shuts his eyes and shows his work.

He opens them after a moment to see Meliorn sitting right in front of him, smiling fondly. Maia is on her back on the bed, is staring at him upside down. “I can’t tell if they’re even or not, but they look like the same color from here, so good job.”

Meliorn waves her away, irritation flitting momentarily over his symmetrical features, and brings his other hand up to hold Magnus’s chin softly, tilt his head this way and that. After a few moments spent inspecting, Meliorn lets go and shifts back in his seat, looking proud.

“You did great, my friend. You’re picking this up very quickly. I could see a career in makeup artistry in your future.”

Magnus makes a face at him, willing away the flush. He knows Mel’s just being nice, that he doesn’t actually have a special talent for this.

“Um,” he starts, clearing his throat. He’s wanted to ask Mel what he’s going to do with his English degree for several months, and now seems as good a time as any. “Speaking of the future, what are your plans for after graduation?”

“Oh!” Mel responds, looking at the makeup he’s got on his desk critically. He gathers up a few pieces and places them off to the side for Magnus to borrow. “Well, I’m getting drafted. Scouts for the Mets have been looking at me for the past two years.”

Magnus shares a confused look with Maia over Mel’s shoulder. She’s not even pretending to study anymore.

She sounds stunned when she speaks. “You’re going to be playing for the Mets next year? The New York Mets?”

Mel laughs lightly and sweeps all of the makeup he’s set aside into a bag. “Likely not. But coach says I’ll probably go straight to the Rumble Ponies if I keep my ERA down this season.”

Magnus stares at him for a moment. “Did any of what you just said actually mean anything?”

Mel makes a pitying face and pats Magnus on the shoulder. “You need to broaden your horizons, Bane.”

\---

A few days later Magnus sits in the office of one of the university therapists, clutching a pillow in his hands. Magnus tries to force a smile, his pulse jumping, and settles back into the couch. Dr. Gray sits across the coffee table from him, hands folded in her lap and smile kind.

They spend a few minutes introducing themselves - he tells her the broad strokes of growing up in the foster care system, how he made it to this school, how he hopes to be a writer one day. She listens to everything he says, smiling and nodding encouragingly.

When he pauses, unsure of how to start the actual _therapy_ part of the session, Dr. Gray dips her head and speaks.

“What did you want to talk about, Magnus?” Her voice is low and soothing, and it immediately helps him relax a little bit.

“My ex-girlfriend is coming back to campus soon, and I’m having trouble with it.” Magnus blurts out. He frowns at himself afterword, glares down at the pillow in his hands.

Dr. Gray inclines her head, gives no inclination as to whether or not she knows who Magnus is speaking about. “Why don’t we talk about this relationship, then?”

Magnus nods, pushing past the uncomfortable pressure in his chest, and speaks. “We met when I was a sophomore and she was a senior. She was - so much better than I ever thought I could do. Pretty, smart, popular. Well-liked by all of her professors.”

He continues after a second. “And. She chose me. I was nothing - at least not compared to her.”

Dr. Gray sits forward in her seat a little, a slight frown present in the crease between her brows.

Magnus keeps talking, dropping his gaze completely. “She changed me. For better or worse, she made me who I am today.”

“How did she change you?”

Magnus isn’t sure whether Dr. Gray is asking what Camille did to change him or what those changes were. He decides to go with the former. “She, uh, pushed me outside of my comfort zone.”

He looks up to see Dr. Gray watching him, her expression soft. “It’s okay if you’re not ready to get into the details, Magnus.”

He breathes out, frustrated with himself. “No, no, I’m fine. She just - she had me do a lot of things that I had never done before, things that I wasn’t really ready to do, I don’t think.”

Something shifts in Dr. Gray’s face, and she’s got such compassion in her eyes that Magnus’s hands start to hurt.

“I mean - I always said yes eventually, so it - it was fine.” He says, his heart pounding in his chest. He’s stroking the pillow in his lap, soothing himself with its softness, ignoring the ringing in his ears.

“These _things_ that you’re talking about… Could you give me an example?”

“Um.” Magnus furrows his brow, tries not to think about Camille’s voice cajoling him, calling him frigid. “Like sex things, sometimes.”

“And you didn’t want to perform these actions?”

Magnus suddenly realizes where Dr. Gray is going with this line of questioning, and he shakes his head frantically, fear fluttering in his throat. “Well - no, but I _said_ yes, so it wasn’t - it wasn’t. She didn’t -”

He cuts himself off, frowning heavily, and stares down at the coffee table between them as he clutches the pillow tightly.

“Magnus,” Dr. Gray starts softly, drawing his gaze. “Let’s say that one of your friends is out at a bar and someone asks to buy them a drink. Your friend doesn’t want them to. But maybe they eventually say yes because they’re scared or because they feel like they can’t say no. Would you tell them that just because they said yes in the end, it was okay for the other person to get them to accept the drink by making them feel that way?”

Magnus thinks about all of the times Cat has unwillingly taken drinks from strange men, how she told Magnus when he asked about it that it’s safer for her to take the drink and dump it than to try to refuse. “No, I would never say that. That’s not okay at all.”

Dr. Gray nods at him slowly, kind eyes trained on his face. “Then why,” she starts, pulling him from his thoughts. “Why would it be okay for your ex-girlfriend to do that to you regarding sexual acts?”

Magnus just furrows his brow. He doesn’t have an answer for that.

\---

Magnus opens the door to his apartment several days later, smiling up at his boyfriend. Alec’s spending the night tonight, and after almost a week of sleeping alone, Magnus can’t wait to get his hands on the other man.

“Hey sweetheart,” Alec greets, stepping in close and dipping his head down for a kiss. Magnus lets his eyes falls shut and sighs into it, leaning forward with a hand on Alec’s chest. Alec pulls back far too soon and Magnus pouts, curling his hand into the material of Alec’s shirt and tugging him inside, letting the door fall shut behind them.

Alec smiles, pulling up the sleeve of his shirt to show off his muscular forearm, now wrapped in a clear film. “I’ve got something to show you!”

“You got another tattoo?” Magnus asks, skeptically eyeing the bandage. He hopes it’s nothing like the big monstrosity on Alec’s stomach, that silly thing he got with Jace at the end of the summer. Alec turns his arm so that Magnus can read the print through the film, the glare from the ceiling light now gone. It’s small and neat, Magnus notices with relief.

_Untold and untellable wisdom._

“Huh. It’s nice,” Magnus says, tilting his head. The words sound familiar. He tries to figure out where he’s heard that phrase before as he tugs Alec along to his bedroom, unashamedly eager to be alone together.

Alec lets go of his hand in order to pull off his shirt when Magnus shuts the door behind them both, turning on the spot and leaning back against the wall to look up at Alec through his lashes. He smiles when Alec swallows, throat visibly constricting and loosening. Alec steps in close, traces a feather-light touch over Magnus’s cheekbone.

“This is new,” he whispers, reverent. Magnus flutters his lashes, nudges his face against Alec’s fingers, trying to ignore the lingering sense of curiosity about Alec’s tattoo.

“Mel gave me some stuff to try out,” he says, just as quietly, smiling when he sees that Alec’s pupils have dilated, that his breathing has gotten a little heavier. “You like it?”

Magnus leans up as Alec nods, closes the distance between them. Alec slides an arm around his waist, shifts close enough so that the barely-there kiss turns deeper, hotter.

A familiar warmth spreads under Magnus’s skin and he opens his mouth, sees sparks dance behind his eyes when Alec’s tongue brushes against his. Alec runs his hand down Magnus’s arm, fingers brushing against his skin, and tangles their fingers together, bringing their hands up against his chest.

Magnus pulls back at that, breathless, and almost loses his balance when Alec smiles at him, looking for all the world like his very own Prince Charming, all messy dark hair and brilliant smile.

Annoyance prickles at the edge of his consciousness when he can't stop wondering about Alec's new tattoo, and Magnus sighs, lets his head fall back against the wall. “Okay, I’ll bite. What is your tattoo from?”

“Oh,” Alec says and scrunches his brows at Magnus. He has to resist the impulse to smooth away the lines, to trace over the scar bisecting Alec’s left eyebrow with a careful finger.

Alec answers after a moment. “It’s Walt Whitman.”

“Whitman!” Magnus exclaims, and pulls their linked hands so that he can inspect the words inked into Alec’s skin again. He follows, tracking over the elegant letters, as Alec leads him to the bed, sits them both down. He hasn’t actually read much Whitman outside of his classes - he prefers contemporary poetry on the whole. “Have you read it to me before?”

Alec nods his head slowly, a bemused smile crossing his lips. “It’s from one of the Calamus poems - they’re the ones about his male lovers.”

“Alec,” Magnus says carefully, head tilted as he looks back up at his boyfriend. “You don’t actually think he was gay, do you? Those poems could have just been about close friendships.”

Alec answers quite flatly, as if he thinks that Magnus is intentionally misunderstanding Walt Whitman's writing. “He very clearly had relationships with men, Magnus. He had to edit a lot of those poems down due to public backlash.”

“We don’t know if he was queer. Sometimes people just wrote in prose back then, and it doesn’t necessarily -”

“I know that he was queer.” Alec says quietly, surprising Magnus by cutting him off. Magnus doesn't think that Alec has ever interrupted him before. “I know that he was queer, because the things he wrote about feeling with other men are the same feelings I have with you.”

And suddenly Magnus is breathless, is looking wondrously up at him. Alec quirks a crooked smile and leans in close and whispers directly into his ear, making heat curl low in his gut.

 _“_ _I cannot answer the question of appearances or that of identity beyond the grave,”_

Alec tugs Magnus’s shirt over his head and presses him back, laying him out amongst the pillows. His eyes are molten as he continues, voice low and gravely.

_“But I walk or sit indifferent, I am satisfied.”_

He looms over Magnus, settles comfortably between his legs. Speaks against the soft skin directly below Magnus’s ear and winds their fingers together once again, sets a shiver racing down his spine.

_“He ahold of my hand has completely satisfied me.”_

Magnus’s heart thuds in his chest and he inhales shakily, nods up at Alec when he pulls back.

“Okay," he says, pausing. Alec raises a brow expectantly.

"You might be right about Whitman.”

Alec smiles at him and leans down, presses their lips together sweetly. Magnus immediately opens the kiss, curls a leg around Alec’s hip to pull him in close.

Magnus licks into Alec’s mouth, swallows down his groan when their groins make contact. The shock of pleasure sends him searching for more, and he rolls his hips, trying to grind against Alec.

Alec’s into it too, Magnus can tell. He’s sliding his hands down to grab at Magnus’s ass, shifting his weight so that he can thrust against Magnus with more intent. Magnus moans openly when Alec slips a hand under the waistband of his pants, when his calloused fingers grip Magnus’s soft skin. He needs Alec inside of him, and he whispers exactly that into Alec’s ear.

“Um,” Alec says, and pulls back suddenly.

Bereft, Magnus is brought back to that moment on the soccer field, now over two weeks ago. “What?”

Alec is flushed, whether from embarrassment or arousal, Magnus can’t tell. He frowns and tries not to shiver, instead just wraps his arms over his bare chest.

“I want to try something.” He hurriedly continues when Magnus opens his mouth. “And it’s totally okay if you don’t want to! I just, I guess I want to see how you feel about it.”

Magnus repeats himself, this time more curious than frustrated. “What?”

Alec looks at him, eyes dark and jaw set. Magnus furrows his brow, wondering what has Alec so hesitant.

“I want to use my mouth.”

Magnus tilts his head, more confused now. “You blew me in the shower last week?”

Alec shakes his head slowly and answers, sounding a little irked with himself. “No - shoot. I meant - I meant that I want to eat you out.”

Magnus’s jaw drops and his stomach clenches deliciously. Alec between his legs. Kissing all over. Licking him open - hot and wet and sloppy. Fucking him like that. Magnus wonders if he could come just from Alec’s tongue inside of him. The way his cock twitches at the thought, it’s not hard to imagine that he could.

But then - he’s unsure. No one’s ever touched him in that way. What if Alec doesn’t like it? What if there’s something wrong with his body? What if he’s gross and Alec doesn’t want to be with him again?

Alec takes his prolonged silence as hesitation to say no, and starts talking, clearly worried. “It’s okay, baby, we don’t have to do that, I just wanted to see if you wanted it at all.”

Meliorn’s voice floats through Magnus’s mind, unbidden. _You need to broaden your horizons, Bane._

“I want it,” Magnus says, surprising both Alec and himself with how level his tone is, how sure he sounds.

Alec swallows, shuts his eyes for a moment. When he opens them and speaks, his voice is even. “You can tell me to stop at any point, and I will listen. Any point. I promise. Just say the word.”

Magnus nods his head in understanding, heat curling under his skin from the realization that he trusts Alec completely. “How do you want me?”

He swallows when Alec answers, low and confident. “On your stomach.”

It feels like all of the blood in his body is rushing down to his cock, making him lightheaded. Alec moves back, gives him space to slip off his shorts and roll over. He shifts so that Alec can tuck a pillow under his hips, prop him up comfortably.

Magnus lets his eyes fall shut, spreads his legs. He smiles against the pillows when Alec blows a breath out, sighs when he runs a reverent hand down Magnus’s flank.

“You’re so beautiful,” Alec whispers, quiet enough that Magnus can barely hear him.

He jolts when Alec presses a hot, open-mouthed kiss to the tender skin of his taint. “Oh god,” Magnus manages, thighs clenching and unclenching without his permission.

“Not god,” Alec teases, and Magnus rolls his eyes at the pillow in front of him. “Just me.”

Then he licks a hot stripe over Magnus’s hole, and the bottom of his stomach drops out. Alec chuckles at his flinch, and he isn’t close to done with him yet, Magnus knows.

Alec grabs a handful of each cheek, pulls them apart to expose Magnus more fully. His cock throbs at the knowledge of how vulnerable he is right now, of how gentle Alec is with him even through the haze of his lust.

Alec kisses his opening, wet and hot, and Magnus clenches down on nothing, whimpers at feeling so empty. 

"It's okay, baby," Alec murmurs, blowing over Magnus's neglected hole. Magnus twitches, holds back a whine.

Then Alec is there again, is licking insistently against him. Magnus can feel himself sliding, falling into all of the little shocks of pleasure as Alec massages his ass gently, licks deeper and deeper with each lap.

He starts alternating between forceful licks and little kisses, sucking along the edge of Magnus’s rim, and Magnus tears up, pressing his face into the pillow. He leaves wet marks from his eyes and mouth when he draws himself back, tries to hold himself up on his elbows.

“Ah - ah!” He cries out, a sharp throb of pleasure surprising him when Alec points his tongue, thrusting fully inside of him.

The electricity streaking just under the surface of his skin makes him drop back down onto his chest and sob into the soft fabric, grind his hips down as best he can to get some friction. It’s too much and not enough at the same time, and it’s the sweetest torture Magnus has ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

Alec fucks into him relentlessly, pulling him by the hips back onto his face. Magnus can’t do anything about it, just has to take what Alec gives him.

Anything beyond rocking his hips weakly is impossible right now - his body can’t decide if he wants to get away from or move closer to the source of the pleasure, already overwhelmed with the sensation of Alec’s mouth.

Alec is mumbling against the sensitive skin of Magnus's ass, words that he's now too far gone to make out. He whines as Alec's teeth scrape against his skin, sending hot tendrils of pleasure shooting up his spine. 

Then Alec curls his tongue deep inside of his ass and Magnus screams, his vision whiting out.

\---

Far too soon, it is October first. Magnus has visited with Dr. Gray a few times in the weeks since his first appointment, has come to a tenuous conclusion that Camille may have been hurting Magnus intentionally when she insulted him, supported by the recent realization that calling someone both a _stupid slut_ and a _fucking virgin_ in the same breath doesn’t actually make a whole lot of sense.

He'd puzzled over that one for almost an entire session while Dr. Gray watched, ever patient as she waited for him to figure out that none of Camille's insults actually held any meaning or reflected on him as a person.

So when Magnus’s phone lights up with a message from a number that hasn’t contacted him in almost exactly a year, he’s a little more prepared than he once thought he’d be.

Alec squeezes his hand and nods, wordlessly indicating that he’ll support Magnus no matter what he decides to do.

The text is requesting that Magnus meet her in one of the old art rooms after her seminar tonight - she wants to talk.

Magnus slides his gaze over to where Maia and Cat are drinking coffee, sitting on either side of the kitchen table. They’re murmuring in low voices, are laughing about something funny a customer of Maia’s said a few days ago.

Magnus’s heart soars as he watches them converse, and he leans against Alec in the hallway, letting his boyfriend support most of his weight. Alec curls an arm around his waist and presses a kiss to the top of his head, and Magnus responds to the message.

\---

Camille turns around when Magnus steps into the darkened room, a sickeningly familiar smile on her face. “Magnus -” She starts, arms out for a hug, freezing when she sees people start to file in behind Magnus.

The smile on her face twists into something openly unkind, monstrous. She circles around Magnus and his friends, immediately putting distance between them and trying to get closer to the door. Maia’s standing in the doorway, is ensuring that Camille can’t leave until Magnus has done what he came here to do.

She goads him, eyes flickering between each of them, looking for a weakness as she paces in front of them, moving like some kind of haunting specter. “What is this - you’re scared to be alone with your ex-girlfriend? You think I’m gonna hurt you? Assault you? _Fuck_ you?”

Magnus can feel Alec tense behind him, muscles coiled tight like a predator waiting to strike. He knows Alec _is_ waiting, that he would never do anything without Magnus’s express permission. That knowledge gives him strength, allows him to straighten his back almost imperceptibly.

Camille continues, taking his silence for distress. “Isn’t that what you told all of your little friends? That big, bad Camille used to force you to take it up the ass?”

She pauses and smiles again, looking for a moment like the girl he fell in love with two ears ago. Then the mask slips away and she’s a monster once more, speaking in an overly sweet tone. “Did you ever tell them that you used to beg for it? You’d bend over, crying for me to give you more every time. Tell me Magnus, are you still as greedy as you were back then?”

She laughs when Magnus flinches involuntarily and steps closer, inspecting his face with a cold disinterest.

“And you’re wearing makeup now? Always knew you were a little fa-”

Meliorn suddenly steps forward, eyes dark and threatening. Magnus stops him with a hand on his arm, shakes his head when Mel turns to look at him. He nods his assent and steps back, once again even with Magnus and Cat.

Then something inside of Magnus shifts and he can speak - is no longer frozen in fear of the figure in front of him. He realizes with a jolt that it’s because Camille isn’t a specter, or a monster. She’s just a person.

“You know what, Camille? You can say whatever you want to me.”

He steps forward slightly, placing himself in front of his loved ones.

“Why’s that?” She sneers even as she takes half a step back, towards where Maia stands at the other end of the room, arms crossed and eyes steely.

“Because you’ll never get what you want. You could never break me - I’m too strong.” Magnus feels the presence of Alec right behind him, Cat and Meliorn flanking him on either side. “And when I’m surrounded by the people that I love…? Well, you’re nothing.”

Camille snarls at all of them, eyes lingering on Magnus. “No one could take care of you like I could, Bane. You’re losing out big time.”

Alec steps forward at that, rests a hand lightly on Magnus’s shoulder. Magnus can hear the smile in his voice, can imagine the friendly expression on his face. Alec doesn’t need to scowl to be intimidating - his presence alone does the trick.

“Pretty sure you’re wrong about that, Camille.” He says in a light tone, and Magnus suddenly finds that he’s able to smile as well.

Camille seems more unnerved by Magnus’s joyful, confident expression than anything else, and she swallows, clenching her fists at her sides. “Fucking freaks,” she spits out, and Cat curls a hand in Magnus’s, squeezes it supportively.

Meliorn laughs, delighted at her words, and Camille’s gaze flashes back over to him before she spins on her heel, storms past Maia, who’s holding the door open for her. Maia lets the door slam shut behind her and steps towards the little group, holding out her arms. Magnus surges forward, hugging her tightly, anxiety and joy equally twisting at his insides.

\---

A couple of weeks later, Magnus plays with a loose thread at the hem of Alec’s sleeve as they walk into the cafe. He’s tired - they stayed up way too late last night after the QSU mixer. Not that he can bring himself to regret it, he thinks to himself, a smile curling slowly across his face.

A few moments later, he wakes up fully, shocked when he sees Jace, Mel, and Clary all tucked into one side of a booth, looking far too cozy for a public space.

Alec follows Magnus's line of sight and pauses, considering. “You...want to join them?” He asks hesitantly.

“Not in the least,” Magnus answers quickly, grimacing at Meliorn’s overtly smug expression and rumpled clothes. He pointedly looks away when his blue-haired friend sees them and starts to wave.

Alec nods slowly, dragging his gaze away from Jace and his...companions. He looks down at Magnus and a crooked smile crosses his mouth, something familiar sparkling in his eye. 

When they’ve successfully avoided their friends and have settled into their usual booth, Alec takes a moment and looks at Magnus seriously. Despite himself, Magnus’s heart thumps in his chest.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Alec starts, and Magnus pauses before his mind can go wild with anxiety, breathes in deeply. He knows Alec. He knows that Alec isn't about to say something terrible or hurt him in any way.

“I found him,” Alec says, and Magnus knows immediately who he’s talking about.

He still asks, even as hope climbs in his chest. He's got to make sure. “Raphael?”

Alec nods as he pulls a paper out of his bag. He slides it over to Magnus, and he picks it up quickly, scanning it. It’s a photograph with some information listed below. The boy pictured is older than Magnus remembers, but it’s unmistakably him. It’s Magnus’s foster brother.

Alec has also gathered the name and location of his high school, his email address, a phone number.

“We could go visit him if you wanted - his school’s only a few hours away.” Alec suggests, then pauses. “We should probably email first, though.”

Magnus tears his eyes away from the picture to look up at Alec, eyes wide.

His boyfriend uncharacteristically flushes before he speaks again. “I mean, I don’t have to go, or, like, be part of this at all if you don’t want. This is all for you to decide what to do with. I just - wanted to give you the information.”

“Of course I want you involved,” Magnus answers quickly, and a relieved smile blooms over Alec's face, lighting his features. Magnus slides the paper back to Alec to read over again.

“You always listen,” Magnus says after a few moments of watching his boyfriend, feeling quite awed. He hasn't talked about Raphael in detail in months, since the middle of the summer at least. The pain of losing him is too raw to bring up to the surface very often.

“The things you say are important.” The automatic way that Alec responds, as if those words are forever stamped in his mind - as if they’re an indisputable fact - has Magnus’s head spinning.

“I love you.” He says accidentally, heart jumping into his throat when Alec freezes for a second, looks up from the paper to meet Magnus’s gaze. He starts breathing again when Alec breaks into a stunning smile and answers.

“I know you do. I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **warnings for:** implied/referenced emotional and verbal abuse, implied/referenced sexual assault. nothing gets explicit, but i'd rather warn you all than risk hurting or triggering one of you. 
> 
> everything about Whitman is true to the best of my knowledge - the lines that Alec quotes to Magnus are from the poem titled "Of the Terrible Doubt of Appearances." that's also where his tattoo is from.
> 
> the titles of both this piece and the piece directly preceding it are from one of Whitman's _Calamus_ poems as well. i highly recommend them if you're at all interested in queer poetry!
> 
> please leave a comment if you have any thoughts about this! this piece is definitely the most plotted story i've written in a while, and i have been firmly out of my comfort zone the entire time. i definitely need some encouragement lmao
> 
> love you all! will update ARYT as soon as i can. in the meantime, is anyone interested in a bookstore AU where Magnus starts working at Alec's family shop (TWI vibes will abound, of course)? let me know!


End file.
